do_you_dance

life is falling into place, and im liking where its landing.

im happy.

youre a towel.

in this book julie gave me about capricorns, "the bane of the capricorn woman's existence is her constant fear of getting hurt. perhaps it explains why she frequently finds faults with her lovers. she may reason that as long as they fail to deliver the perfect goods, she is entitled to withhold her total love. when she lets the ice melt and teh flames leap, she emerges. from behind the queen in control, a child peeks out, vulnerable, delightful, fragile. the capricorn woman probbaly feels vulnerable because she is inexperienced in sharing, in emotional give and take. she cannot give halfway if she really cares; and so, to protect herself she holds back until nearly sure of the other person.when the die is finally cast, she can be swept away by the intensity of her feelings, open and enthusiastic. She is intensly responsive to a sensitive man who has emotional strenth and resilience, enough intelligence to cuddle her, enough sexual experience to last." its kind of fucking creepy how accurate this excerpt is about me.

another excerpt from the capricorn relationships, " what is often unknown about capricorns is that she barbors a deep well of love; she also hides a gargantuan streak of loneliness. she secretly longs for glamour and excitement and from time to time may be willing to give up security in order to obtain it. she fears love, yet she needs it intensely to complete her, lift her out of her loneliness. ime weighs heavily on her, and she hates to waste it. she is a busy body. she may invite love and then grow cool and reject it. intense though controlled, the capricorn woman attempts to brake her emotionalism by an air of distinguished competence. she would love to have her relationships predictable in the palm of her hand, much as in a business deal. the important thing to understand about capricorn woman is that while she may be off chasing rainbows, her steady gaze is fixed on the ground. you see, she doesnt want to trip if she cant help it, even while pursuing her dreams. the capricorn womans greatest challenge in relating to people is to trust them and let down her self protective barriers. she is often defensive and expecting to be hurt or maligned. she may mock and refuse to take love seriously, but what scares her most is this: the truth about love may be that even love will not stem the tide of her loneliness. the fear and existential pain is familiar to her. sometimes the simple act of living throws her into guarantee, and capricorn seldom likes to shop without it. the circle of fear and loneliness- needing love, reaching out yet fearing hurt, growing thicker skin as the years fl by, questing more and more the place and meaning of love in her live- is a typical pattern for capricorn."

the circa survive& cute is what we aim for show at the avalon last night was one of the best nights of my life. Thank you soooooooo fucking much Vanessa for bringing me. anthony green is so fucking hott. what a fucking night.

i love popkiller.

i want another tattoooooooooooooo.

its been a while since my last entry. a long while. since my last entry, ive have had blonde hair, red hair, and now back to my natural black with blue and red streaks. cosmetology school has been pretty eventful. im learning a lot of new shit, like how to cut hair, layers, angled layers, perms, nails and all that jazz. made some new friends, vanessa hassett and tiffany nakamuri? anyways, yeah. been smoking a lot of pot lately. starting to hang out with aj, mitch, jon, sam, mel, sarah etc again. i miss those kids. been going to more shows, i saw katsumoto&adying dream not too long ago at the westchester sports grill. cigarettes will be teh death of me, unfotunately. im a little scatter brained right now.

im happy with life, with my life. i mean, its not the best life, but everything is the way i have made it by my actions and that, well that is my life. i have set agendas in the next couple months; cosmetology school with nicolle in the spring, working 2 jobs, hopefully starting up the clothing company with matt, a somewhat steady "dating relationship" with sebastian, i think this is pretty good, for a start that is. had one of the best, BEST talks with matt last night, thanks matt. people are always going to be here giving you advice, whether you want it or not, whether you like the person or not, its just up to me what i do with it, use or or do what makes me feel right. to some people, they dont think my life is the way to go, or that i havent improved; but if you were to see me a year a go, two years ago, i was a fucking mess. everything that happened was my fault, and i knew that then and i know that now, but im getting to where i want to be in life. it doesnt matter how long its going to take me, but as long as i know im getting closer to what really matters to me, thats enough for me.

ps. thank you matt, eddie, duke and kristle for basically making my birthday party a reality! love you guys.

pps. im having a birthday gathering on the 27 [which is a saturday] at my house [1707 stanford ave RB] with my sister. there will be food, A LOT of little asian people [who are my relatives] and festivities. come if you like. starts at noooon.

Before I get down and dirty with this not so long winded, less then brilliance evoking, low cultural, critique of popular culture and how it effects our lives personally, I just wanted to say this upcoming statement does not apply for everyone, but I think it does.

I believe that Chuck Klosterman stated in his book entitled "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", something to the extent of "I cannot ever be in love with a woman, because all women are in love with John Cusack". Given most of you ladies reading this will say, "No Matt, I am not in love with John Cusack, whats the big fucking idea", but specifics such as proper nouns are not of any relavance, because you are in love with John Cusack. Let me explain by first asking you what is love (baby dont hurt me?)? And I bet a buck, that you are thinking of some scene from some overly romanced movie, if you are a hillbilly maybe your cousin Luann? Maybe your first kiss perhaps? Maybe you have no concept of what love actually is; its not a bad thing at all. In short the film industry has fucked us all the way up and down the street, not monetarily (ill get into this in a bit) but mentally. Our conception is totally skewed, for example "The Sure Thing" casted John Cusack and some chick who I won't look up because I don't care as two college students who despise each other but travel across the country together, naturally they fall in love. AWW. They hate each other. In real life, you don't love someone you hate, its anything but natural. Heres another one:

Say Anything- 1989

High school senior Lloyd Dobler wants nothing more than to go out with beautiful and intelligent Diane Court. Lloyd attempts to win her heart over the objections of her over-protective father before Diane leaves for a scholarship in England.

Need I say more? Probably... but I am lazy.

Why because of Film, My wallet seems to find itself slim.

One movie: Breakfast at Tiffany's

But what exactly is love, if its not what is portrayed in movies? Glorified lust? Mating partner instincts? Greed? Hell if I know.

Done and Done.

lately ive been feeling overwhelmed. working at the doctors office monday through friday, and random days of work at starbucks. it may not seem like that much, but i have to open on thursday, which means being there at 4AM, not tooo happy about that. i havent seen my bestest best friend in a while, havent seen matt in a while, which is no good at all. im also very, extremely confused. what is love? how do you know when its love? what would you call dating the same person for a month? still dating or something more? im so new to this dating thing. i feel like such a late bloomer. i havent had that much time for family, which isnt good. the other day my mom, dad, sister and i spent the day furniture shopping. it was nice. i walked around the store with my sister, talking nonsense, making fun of shit, and laughing at my mom cause shes nuts, all in all it was really nice. i ate a 50cent hotdog from iKEA and it was amazing. i should have bought two. i cant wait til spring, ill be back at el co, in school, oh how ive been missing it. still not quite sure what my major is yet, i should really get on that. perhaps psychology, or something.

i dont know, something about winter always gave me a good feeling, like everythings going to be alright. i really like it.

i saw robi nitake. i kept my eye on her the whole night.

well, so, i got the job at starbucks [190th&anza] come and visit meeeeeee.

life is tough, a lot tougher as each day passes. i might get a job at starbucks, so hopefully that will get the swing of things flowing in the right direction.

i keep spelling halloween wrong, i want to spell it "holloween" haha im bad at typing. this this past week has been pretty shitty, but it makes sense.

i have so much faith, hope, and potential for other people, sometimes for people i hardly or dont even know, and i have no idea why. i always get let down, but im finally understanding. humans are inately evil and are malicious towards others, and thats been pretty clear to me, FINALLY, and im starting to accept that.

i do believe in karma, but sometimes bad things happen to good people, but maybe its a blessing in disguise, not necessarily a blessing, but, i dont know i cant think of a word to describe it. everything is a learning experience for good or bad, but its shitty when it happens. perhaps its just the push we need to get things done, or put in the right direction which we should be in.

i keep putting off my government classes at shores and i dont know why. im kind of scared to go back, since i havent been to class in a couple months. am i afraid to graduate high school? im not quite sure.

i let things get to me too much and sometimes it clouds my judgement of what is right and wrong and i dont like that.

ive come to the conclusion that chivalry is dead. theres no doubt about that. if you can prove me wrong, go right ahead.

romance is dead too. just like michelles blog on her myspace, its so rediculous. boys have become such pussys its unbelievable. where have all the good people gone? lately all the guys ive been meeting have been comeplete and utter douche bags, only out for themselves; one of these days theyre going to realize there are other people out there other than themselves and theyre going to get fucked.

change is in order in my life, and i want it now. ive been re-arranging my room this past couple days, so if youre ever at my house, come and check it out, man. i definately need a change in scenery. im READY to go back to school, and i cant wait til spring semester comes, hopefully soon. i miss my michelle, and i havent seen her in a while. i want to meet some awesome fellas, not just trying to get into my pants, but to treat me as a real person should be treated. someone to make a connection with, be friends with, talk to and confide in. i doubt thats going to happen, but theres nothing wrong with hoping. i feeel like something really big is coming my way, and i cant really tell what it is, but something. waiting waiting and waiting.

i want to see people i havent seen in a long time.

i want to go to a show.

i want something... a feeling... someone..

so umm.. yeah. i dyed my hair blonde. whats it to yah?

its amazing what one day can do to you.

question: why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

answer: because it was dead.

well basically, quitting is A LOT harder than i anticipated.
fuck.
oh well.
i neeeeed coffeeeeeee.
anyone wnt to get some with me?

i went to sleep @2:30am and woke up at 5:30 am. fuck if i know. why do i fall so easily. i let my feelings for someone linger to the point where i get hurt. i dont know. i mean, i guess its better than not letting anyone in at all. at least we're friends. so i should be happy. i am happy i guess, but not content.

im FINALLY going to quit smoking.

yay.

ps. yeah.

last night was horrible. i cant believe i let myself get THAT out of control. i wont EVER let it happen again. i really need to improve myself. i need to become more responsible and mature. enough with the games its time to get down to business. do i want it? can i do it?